The reply I promised

First... Derek if you're reading this, please forgive me for not replying to your two most recent posts like I promised. Part of my problem was that I had trouble remembering my username and password for my livejournal site. Embarrassing, but normal for me. The other part... was that I didn't know how to respond. I can relate very well with what you're feeling. Again, like Esther said, you're not alone. Not at all... There are many things in my life that have been throwing me to the ground lately. Things that I have kept trying to hide, or ignore. I built walls too... with an incredibly strong and durable material, called pride. Some of them are still standing... even after the last two weeks.
The reason I didn't know what to say in response was because I didn't want to just relate and present another case in point. I wanted to be an encouragement as well. (lofty I know)
You and I have reminisced many times about how we struggle... You've been a great encouragement to me as well. You've challenged me to stop ignoring things, and face the battle head on. You've inspired me to call out to God in my brokenness, and let go of my fear of transparency with Him. I think, getting to a place where we really recognize our sin and the damage it does to our relationship with God, is half the battle.

I wrote this dialog a few weeks ago... because it was me. Honestly, and openly. And that's honestly why I never posted it here. :o$ I think I shall now though... in the hopes that it'll help to show how broken I am:

How much, good Sir, would it cost me?

...for a life completely devoted to You?

"Everything."

...*everything*? How can anyone possibly ever give up everything?

"It is possible. Is there something other then me that you love? Is there something you want to hold on to?"

...Yes... a few things. I want my lust and the pleasure it brings... I also want the pride I feel; my pride helps me realize I am someone special, someone who's worth a second glance, even someone who's admirable... I especially want my image, my ego, and the confidence of this face I put forth...

"So you want all this? You want to keep these things I have spoken against?"

...Yes. For a long time I've held on to all of these... I can keep ignoring conviction. See, I *have* tried to let go of them. But it's so hard... can't I just keep them...? I promise they will not get between us. I know I can give everything else up...

"But I am Everything. I am Sufficiency, I am Completeness. Yet I am none of those things you wish to have... I am what you sense with a chronic ache, the very unknown you long for. I am love, I am Joy and Peace. I am pleasure, and I am security. ...You know this though, you've been told this so many times. Think about it... I cannot be only part. What you want is to put me along side your lust, and have me content to sit in equality with it. Or beside your pride... You want what you can take from me, without having me."

...I...that's not true! I want to serve You! I want to call You my Master, my King... But how can a
simple human like me just give up everything that makes up who I am?? How can you possibly expect me to live here, with everyone else, and not have anything in common with them? You must be able to see it all around me... I can't even go through a grocery store checkout without being surrounded by cold metal racks covered with fuel for my hungry lust! And pride... where would I be without it?? I need it, I need to let others see my best, because otherwise I will fall... they'll leave me in the corner and I'll be nothing. Even if I relied completely on Your strength, and committed completely to living without these things, I couldn't do it! It wouldn't work! I'm not capable of being perfect, or without sin!

"It's not about you being perfect... It is about my Grace for You. It's about surrender... I am a perfect Master and Friend. I am a perfect Lover. But you need to let go of your addiction to sin, you need to fully step under the overhang of my Grace... Read your bible... look at the words I caused to be written there!
"For lust is a shameful sin, a crime that should be punished. It is a devastating fire that destroys to hell. It would wipe out everything I own" (Job 31:11-12)
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18)"

...but I've tried so hard to yield my entire life to You! It hasn't yet worked... It's just a sick cycle of failure after failure, and after each time, I grope to my feet for another failure. I'm growing tired of it. I hate this!!!!

"I am your strength."

...I know that! But why then am I still growing weary??? Why don't You *BE* my strength??!!

"My dear child... put your struggle in my arms. I am waiting here to help you up, to be your strength... but you must make the first move."

...I don't understand!! I can't even physically see you! How can I take something that I can't touch, and put it in your hands which I cannot see?? I don't understand what I'm supposed to do! You say I must make the first move... but I don't know what that is!

"Learn to know me, son. If you truly want to leave your sin, then seek me.
You always try and figure things out before you'll accept them... before you'll do them. Your faith is so small. All I want you to do is step out, out from behind those walls you've slaved over."

...but look at me!!! I'm surrounded by walls! I can't even climb over them anymore! Why are you taunting me???

"Charles, listen to me. Stop trying to figure out how. Faith is being sure of things unseen. I've told you so many times that I am your strength. I am everything you need. Those walls are nothing to me."

...then what do you want me to do??? How can I break out of this? How can I truly give it all up to you?

"Just seek me. And when you start to know me, you'll see what I've given you. You'll see what I've done for you. I want you to leave your sin behind, and come to me."

...I am!! I'm trying to! I want to have faith as well! But I don't know how!

"You've worked so hard to keep your sin secret. You've covered yourself in so much false humility to keep people from seeing your rotting heart. I'll help you get out of it all, but you need to make the first move. Pick up that hammer, and start trying to break those walls."

...it won't work. I don't have the strength.

"I'll give you the strength. Just trust me, and start! Uncover your sin, and stop being afraid of what people will think! You are not responsible to them, you are responsible to me! I am your King, I am the one you should fear. Your sin does not harm them, it harms ME!"

...okay... I'll try it.

"I want you to tell someone who you think can't see your sins. Here, I'll even give you the perfect chance... I'll open a brilliantly blunt door for you. Look."

...WHAT!??? You've got to be joking!!! There is no way in hell I'm going to tell that person! They will never trust me again! I'll never be able to show my face there again! It will destroy everything that I've worked so hard to do! It'll destroy my place of belonging! I will be seen as a sick, rotten person! It'll destroy my life!!

"That is the hammer, my son. I'm waiting to help you with it. You are letting your pride speak; you're letting your Self still control you. Remember, you made me the King of your life... If you meant that, then do as I say. It's up to you. Pick up the hammer. Trust me. I am the strength you need. Choose now whom you will serve..."

...how can you ask me to do this???

"I love you. I want to remove the great distance you've put between us. I want to give you everything, including freedom. Stop allowing your Self to rule you. I will help you. Trust me."

...I... don't want to do this!! I don't see how I can!

"Then trust me. It is for freedom that I have set you free!! I have set you free already! But you need to walk..."

...okay. Okay, fine. I'm too tired to keep arguing... I need your freedom. This is going to destroy me though. I'm going to lose everything. I'm going to fall apart, completely broken.

"Yes, yes you are. You're already broken. But I'll take all of it. I'll take all of you, and I'll restore you. Trust me. Seek me, in your brokenness."



I was still living the dialog as I wrote it... I still am. I'm broken, and I'm a mess. But my King, my God, my amazing Lover, is looking down on me right now, and He sees me as His beautiful creation.
He's already picking up the pieces, and starting to help me discover the joy of communion with the one who created me.
But I still have bits and pieces of my walls, that need to be removed. In fact, there is still a lot. And I'm still exhausted. Ask those who can look into my eyes in person... I look weary. I am. But God is still offering His help. My pride, my sin, is nothing for Him to battle. But He won't do it without me... I'd just go back and build them up again. It HAS to be my choice. I have to be the one who continues pushing forward. Pressing on. Walking on. I'm falling every day. I get distracted. I run back in fear. I start to hide behind more pride. I'm an incredibly dumb, and pathetically stubborn idiot! I have nothing. But I know what I need to do. I need to seek God.
So simple. Just seek Him. Read His word. Pray... and listen. Go to those around me who He's placed in my life to help build me up, and share with them. Pray with them. There is amazing power in that. God's power, and blessing. I must learn to live openly, and daily attack my pride. Transparency is what being a Christian is all about! Sure, people will see us for who we are, and we'll burn with redness in embarrassment. But we will find the strength and encouragement to continue seeking God. He is the One we need to please.
I did actually tell that person of my sin. It was SO freakin' hard to say the words... to explain my sin plainly, because I knew it was someone who didn’t struggle with that sin. But God gave me the strength. He also used those around me to encourage me in doing it. He helped me. He did it through me. That person was wonderful... though it was a great disappointment to them, and they condemned the sin for what it was, they still loved me. They still encouraged me, and prayed with me. They still look at me with love in their eyes. I can't understand it. And it's very uncomfortable for me at times to have people see me so plainly... But I have found freedom from that sin ever since I told that person.
I find that each day a new chance… to spend on my knees crying out to God for strength. And He gives it.

Thank You Derek for your honesty, thank you for challenging me.
I am so thankful for all of those of you who God has placed in my life, to help me through. Thank you. :o)

I hope this comes as an encouragement…

2 Corinthians 13:14